Losing Hope

TEARS-sad-songs-30412485-1280-960So its been a really long time since my last post. Not a lot has changed since my last post except I’ve really lost my motivation and my hope. I tried waking up every day with a positive attitude and tried to force myself to get motivated…to get moving….to hit the ground running. It seemed like every day I lost more and more of myself and it began to feel like all of that hard work that I was putting in wasn’t doing any good. I felt deprived, exhausted, lonely and just unworthy of anything. I finally gave up working out……continued to eat healthy for a while and then I eventually gave that up to and fell back into my old ways. Binge eating, takeout, McDonalds….whatever I wanted I let myself have. Then I looked at myself in the mirror with disgust because there I was a failure yet again. Why is it so hard for me to stick to something? Why is it so hard for me to lose this last 20 lbs. that I so desperately need to? I need to shed this last 20 lbs. so that I can move forward with my fertility treatments….what’s more motivating then that? I want nothing more than to be a mother…..so why is it so hard for me? Why can I not bring myself to stick to something and dig deep and do whatever I need to do to reach that goal? Life gets so busy and I’m a creature of habit…..I do what’s easy and convenient. I expected so much more from myself this time around and I still let myself, my husband and my future child(ren) down because I’m not able to stay focused enough to lose weight. As I sit here and write this all I can do is blame myself….beat myself up….everyone keeps telling me “So what you had a rough few months….get back on the horse and move forward.”. Easier said then done for someone like me….someone who has been heavy her entire life, someone who has hated herself for being plump, someone who wished that she was just like everyone else, someone who looks at the women around her and just wonders why I couldn’t be like one of them….why do I have live with burden of PCOS? What did I do to deserve this? Why me?

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