Losing Hope

TEARS-sad-songs-30412485-1280-960So its been a really long time since my last post. Not a lot has changed since my last post except I’ve really lost my motivation and my hope. I tried waking up every day with a positive attitude and tried to force myself to get motivated…to get moving….to hit the ground running. It seemed like every day I lost more and more of myself and it began to feel like all of that hard work that I was putting in wasn’t doing any good. I felt deprived, exhausted, lonely and just unworthy of anything. I finally gave up working out……continued to eat healthy for a while and then I eventually gave that up to and fell back into my old ways. Binge eating, takeout, McDonalds….whatever I wanted I let myself have. Then I looked at myself in the mirror with disgust because there I was a failure yet again. Why is it so hard for me to stick to something? Why is it so hard for me to lose this last 20 lbs. that I so desperately need to? I need to shed this last 20 lbs. so that I can move forward with my fertility treatments….what’s more motivating then that? I want nothing more than to be a mother…..so why is it so hard for me? Why can I not bring myself to stick to something and dig deep and do whatever I need to do to reach that goal? Life gets so busy and I’m a creature of habit…..I do what’s easy and convenient. I expected so much more from myself this time around and I still let myself, my husband and my future child(ren) down because I’m not able to stay focused enough to lose weight. As I sit here and write this all I can do is blame myself….beat myself up….everyone keeps telling me “So what you had a rough few months….get back on the horse and move forward.”. Easier said then done for someone like me….someone who has been heavy her entire life, someone who has hated herself for being plump, someone who wished that she was just like everyone else, someone who looks at the women around her and just wonders why I couldn’t be like one of them….why do I have live with burden of PCOS? What did I do to deserve this? Why me?

Just a quick update

  So it’s been a long time since I posted anything but there has been a lot going on. I had my HSG test done and found out that my tubes are open and look great but they found some debris in my uterus. WTH?? I am going in on Wednesday for a saline ultrasound to find out what this “debris” is….I’m totally freaking out!!!
To top everything else off I started getting excruciating pains on my left side, my lower back and lower stomach. The pain was so unbearable. I pushed through it on Tuesday evening but the pain persisted into Wednesday and I got scared so I called my primary care doctor. I explained what was going on….she expressed some concern about a possible enlarged cyst given that I have PCOS. So I called Shady Grove first thing Thursday morning and my nurse said to come in for an ultrasound and we will see what’s going on. While driving I was in so much pain I was sobbing uncontrollably. Sitting in the waiting room waiting for the tech to call me back for my ultrasound was torture. Finally they called me back….the tech came in along with my doctor….no cysts at all! Good news but what the hell was causing all this pain. My amazing doctor said he believes it’s something in my GI tract and I needed to see my primary doctor as soon as possible. I called my doctors office and got it right away. Again, I was in pain during my drive to the doctors office and while sitting waiting for my appointment my pain got so bad I couldn’t sit. My appointment was supposed to be 11:45 but I wasn’t seen until 12:20. Anyways…nurse took my weight (hello….agonizing pain going on here is my weight really that important right now?) and then took me to the exam room. She took my blood pressure which was elevated because I was in so much pain. Finally the doctor came in asked me the same questions the nurse did and then does a quick exam. Well she couldn’t tell what was going on (great!! Just my luck). She explained to me that she wanted me to see a gastrointestinal specialist…prescribed me Nexium and sent me on my way. 
My appointment with the gastrointestinal specialist is set for Tuesday afternoon….I’m hoping I make it to Tuesday with this pain!! 
Hoping all of you are in good health and happy!
Xoxo,
Jen

Just a quick update

So it’s been a long time since I posted anything but there has been a lot going on. I had my HSG test done and found out that my tubes are open and look great but they found some debris in my uterus. WTH?? I am going in on Wednesday for a saline ultrasound to find out what this “debris” is….I’m totally freaking out!!!
 To top everything else off I started getting excruciating pains on my left side, my lower back and lower stomach. The pain was and is so unbearable. I pushed through it on Tuesday evening but the pain persisted into Wednesday and I got scared so I called my primary doctor. I explained what was going on….she expressed some concern about a possible enlarged cyst given that I have PCOS. So I called Shady Grove first thing Thursday morning and my nurse said to come in for an ultrasound and we will see what’s going on. While driving j was in so much pain I was sobbing uncontrollably. Sitting in the waiting room waiting for the tech to call me back for my ultrasound was torture. Finally they called me back….the tech came in along with my doctor….no cysts at all! Good thing but what the hell was causing all this pain. My amazing doctor said it is something in my GI tract and I needed to see my primary doctor. Called my doctors office and got it right away. Again in pain during my drive there and while sitting waiting for my appointment. Appointment was supposed to be 11:45 but I wasn’t seen until 12:20. Anyways…nurse took my weight (hello….agonizing pain going on here is my weight really that important right now?) and then took me to the exam room. She took my blood pressure which was elevated because I was in so much pain. Finally the doctor came in asked me that same questions the nurse dos and then dos a quick exam. Well she couldn’t tell what was going on (great!! Just my luck). She explained to me that she wanted me to see a gastrointestinal specialist…prescribed me Nexium and sent me on my way. 
My appointment with the gastrointestinal specialist is set for Tuesday afternoon….I’m hoping I make it to Tuesday with this pain!! 
Hoping all of you are in good health and happy!
Xoxo,
Jen